Best Quotes from Assholes Finish First by Tucker Max with Page Numbers

Not going to a bar or to a party with your friends, or, God fucking forbid, ACTUALLY GOING TO THE GAMES.

If those Duke basketball tools are going to make me sleep outside for two nights, I’m going to make them pay.

How can you win an argument against someone who is louder than a chain saw?

Everything you say becomes one level more humorous through a bullhorn.

Just being the center of attention primes people to think you’re funny.

To be the man, you gotta beat the man!

You have to stop using the bullhorn.

Does it matter that he’s a campus cop and not a real cop?

I may have lost the battle, but I won the war.

Toilets are for pussies and poor people!

"The pen may be mightier than the sword, but I have found that the vagina is stronger than both."

"If I was going to become a writer, I was going to do it full-time. Anything else was a distraction from my goal, and a compromise I was unwilling to make."

"I can do that. I can also have sex with them."

"Latex is pretty resilient, isn’t it?"

"The harder you push them away, the more desperately they want in."

"I had better end up making it as a writer, because this is about as bad as it gets."

"Sometimes you need to reach into the dark to find out what you’re capable of."

"I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it for anyone else, but it worked for me."

"Not wanting to lose the opportunity to mark a new type of handicap off my Sexual To-Do List, I coaxed her back into a romantic mood."

"I can’t believe I’m fucking you."

I could not imagine anything more appealing.

The best way to be offensive is not with an outfit, but with actions.

I don’t even live here, bitch!

Maybe we’re both right.

You’re never going to find a husband acting like that.

I am the Lord of the Clowns.

I am awesome. Some people may disagree. Those people are wrong and/or queer.

I want to punch them in the face.

Petty vengeance makes me feel better.

If you ever go, I would advise you not to act like I did.

Once you are done with school and get a job, that’s it. That is real life, that is what you’ve been working toward in school… and if you hate your job or what’s going on with your life, there isn’t an obvious end to it or an obvious escape.

Sometimes you have to take the little victories where you can get them.

I remember I am Tucker Max, and I am awesome, and regardless of what obstacles fate puts in my way, I can go through them over, around, or around them to get my way.

You think if I tell her that I’m related to George Custer, she’ll forgive me? After all, the Indians killed him, so it’s equal. We can commiserate about our victimhood!

That’s what I’ve never understood. Why do women go to Halloween as a slutty nurse or a slutty cat, or whatever? Just cut out the middleman and go as a slut.

You’re right! I’m gonna do it!!

At this point in our lives, it’s all about the story.

Yes, there would still be a spoiled, entitled bitch. Yes, she would just go to a car wash and have it cleaned by some underpaid migrant worker... But for one brief, fleeting moment, his world was just.

You fuck two new guys every month? Have you hit your quota this month? Because I’ll be drunk soon, and you’ll make a good backup plan.

Now THIS is how you throw a fucking party!

People think they know, but they don’t know.

Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.

The point of all of this is conquest and bragging rights.

Most of what we do—men and women—is ultimately about some sort of status seeking.

When I see three oranges, I juggle. When I see two towers, I walk.

This is why you need good friends.

If the answer is yes, then you know that dude is solid.

Be quiet and let the girl do the work.

There is no why.

The journey is where the fun is.

Humor and entertainment are the basic points of my writing.

I’ve done many impressive things in my life, but going out with friends, getting drunk, acting like an idiot, and having tons of sex aren’t impressive by themselves.

A lesson I should have applied. Instead I kept talking.

I was too shit-faced to succeed with anything that was alive.

I feel like I wrote about many of my numerous mistakes in the last book.

Divine providence, I guess.

Here’s the other thing you have to know about me: When I was 21, I was like the Benjamin Button of alcohol consumption.

I can’t hear what he’s saying, so I turn my heads toward Francis.

Somehow tolerating both the urine and vomit my body was covered in.

As a result, my urine first collects in the lower half of my shirt, before overflowing onto the floor.

I love women, I love alcohol, and I love combining the two.

If God invented anything better than drunk sex with a hot girl, he kept it to himself.

Sometimes it’s fucked up.

The less I think about it, the easier it is for me to pretend it’s not a problem.

Honest self-assessment is key.

It’ll hurt less than being alone.

I wouldn’t want to meet some guy who was using my sister as a cum dumpster either.

I’ll take an honest whore over a lying prude every single time.

I’m even funny in my sleep!

Every time I get done seeing you, I say to myself, ‘I’m never going to talk to him again,’ yet somehow, I always do it.

The gods love courage and defiance, and I had both.

The Dark Side is a lot more fun. Join us.

Ask forgiveness, not permission.

You are the hero of the common man... you have reached out and grabbed life by the balls.

It takes talent to suck this much.

I seriously want to fight you right now.

Friends don’t let friends drive an RV alone all night.

Shut up you pussy. Go lie on the bed and cry yourself to sleep.

I’m a legend for a reason.

That’s the craziest shit I ever even heard of.

‘Nothing else of note happened on Sunday, except two big things: At some point on Sunday, Rockwolf had the audacity to put up a post on the message board about what he did on Saturday, and then fill everyone in on what happened.’

‘Dude spent TWO DAYS in The Tombs. Another reason not to be a dick to cops.’

‘I think part of me knew that I’d pushed the limits to their absolute breaking point and it was time to ease up on the throttle.’

‘It was also the first time I’d thought of myself as a “celebrity.”’

‘That weekend represented the end of an era for me. It was my last truly reckless, balls-to-the-wall, risk-everything-because-I-have-nothing-to-lose weekend.’

‘I still sometimes marvel that we all made it out of that night alive.’

‘Everything in my life changed after that.’

‘To go any farther, I’d have to do something that even I couldn’t walk away from.’

‘Reading it on paper, it almost doesn’t seem real. And I was there.’

‘I don’t care what anyone else says, you aren’t crazy, you are prescient and way ahead of your time. Good for you.’

You never know what you can get until you ask for it.

Ladies, be honest with yourself about who you are and have the courage to be that person.

If you want to fuck, then go fuck. If you want to get drunk, get drunk.

There is nothing wrong with sucking a dick.

If people try to judge you or shame you for doing safe, consensual things that make you happy, I can guarantee you they’re bad people.

Tell them to lick the dark part of your ass and cut them out of your life.

No one has it all figured out, especially not the people who are acting like they do and judging you because of it.

Pretending to be something you aren’t because you’re trying to please a bunch of judgmental hypocrites and shitheads is not the way to be happy.

Living the life you want to live is. It really is that simple.

I’m single again. Any girl who wants to do my laundry, feel free to email me.

If women didn’t exist, we’d still be naked grunting apes living in caves.

In a very real way, pussy is the key to human civilization.

Men will do ANYTHING —amazing or stupid—if they think it’ll get women to like them.

I intentionally left behind a lucrative career in law to get up every day, face impossible odds, endure all the pain, fight all the battles, and do all the grueling work a beginning writer has to do to reach eventual success.

Nothing else could motivate me like that.

Even I have a line, and this bitch vomited all over it.

There is a subtle difference, that has a large effect on results.

Pussy is like a good crane kick to me: If do right, no can defense.

I can accept being a slave to myself and my own desires, but I cannot accept being a slave to pussy.

Think of it as an act of selfless humanitarianism.

Never again.

If you are a guy and can always think rationally in that situation, please tell me your secret, because I have only enough blood in my body for one head to function at a time.

The decision about using a condom is yours to make, and if you don’t make it, you’re stupid.

Take heed and learn something important from my stupidity.

I definitely want to have kids, lots of them, but I want to do it in the right situation, when I’m in a stable, committed relationship.

This means you have no moral issue with birth control and don’t want kids.

I always tried to be very cool and considerate with every girl who came to me to lose her virginity.

If you think being a parent is a joke, you need to reconsider your life choices and their impact.

Statutory rape is what’s called a ‘strict liability’ crime.

I knew that she sought me out, emailed me first, sent me very misleading pictures, and lied to me multiples times, but still… I’d never felt dirtier in my life than that exact moment.

"What I had found was an LA girl who quickly figured out what I wanted her to be, then masterfully changed her external self into that."

"The devil doesn’t come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you’ve ever wished for."

"Once you find the real self, it’s often a lot uglier than the facade they presented."

"Gentlemen, listen to me: What seems too good to be true is. It’s never different, and you’re not different."

"You can’t get everything you want without having to pay the price for it. Life is a trade-off."

"A woman in constant crisis is a Charybdis to be avoided at all costs."

"I may be awesome, and I may have all the game on earth, but a disaster is a disaster, no matter who you are."

"If you stick your dick in someone and then turn around and claim you are better than she is, well… you’re probably just fooling yourself."

"It’s what I did. Stupid, weak, and cowardly, I know. But it’s what I did."

"Don’t underestimate the power of recklessly obsessed women—emotional burglars always find ways to sneak back in."

A normal person might feel bad about that and examine his decision-making processes, but instead of doing that, I decided to put them all together into one story for the entertainment of millions.

Any procedure that can erase a massive lapse in judgment while at the same time saving hundreds of thousands of dollars and no fewer than 18 years of responsibility for the welfare of another human being, and can be performed with what amounts to a Black & Decker wet/dry vac from your local Home Depot—that’s a procedure from which I will derive countless hours of entertainment.

You’re welcome to say no, but you’re going straight home.

Fine. There’s $1000 down the drain. Literally.

The first few times it was just a pregnancy scare. Then she actually got knocked up, and I paid for the abortion.

You want to be the one to go home with me? You have to give me something cool.

How is it possible I have to work ten times harder for half a girl?

I’ll take you two around the bar and hand these out to people.

But like all midgets, they came up short.

Who knew such big lessons could come from such little people?

Don't check raise me, honey. I will come over the top and go all in, and I will always win, because I don’t care about the result.

Ladies, there’s a lesson here: Playing games and acting like a coy bitch works with a lot of guys. Not with me.

If you are going to kiss and tell, be honest and open about it.

We all reap what we sow.

Some things in life you want to do just so you can say you’ve done them.

I didn't want to be just another one of the hundreds of girls he’s fucked. I wanted my own personal Tucker Max story.

I like being in relationships.

Courtney, I know you’re only 21, so that explains a lot, but baby, please understand: We all reap what we sow.

The thing that pissed me off is that she said she faked an orgasm to get me to stop.

I wanted to fuck Tucker Max for the simple fact that thereafter I could say, 'I had sex with Tucker Max.'

Love is amazing; it’s one of the greatest emotions, if not the greatest human emotion there is.

When it’s right, love is awesome.

Sometimes two people can be very much in love and, despite their attempts to make the relationship work, still don’t get there.

She’s a wonderful, caring, compassionate woman whom I deeply and truly loved, and I’m glad we dated.

The best game is being so good you don’t need game.

Good generals beat their opponents in the field with superior tactics, great generals beat their opponents by planning a superior strategy, but the best generals beat their opponents without even having to fight.

The connection between Tucker Max and Sun Tzu is simple: Surround yourself with emotionally broken sluts, and they do what comes natural—act like sluts—eliminating the need for you to make it happen.

This was the hottest threesome, and maybe one of the hottest nights, I’ve ever had.

I’m just that awesome.

I guess assholes do finish first.