Best Quotes from Fair Play by Eve Rodsky with Page Numbers

This is not how I envisioned my life—the fulfiller of my family’s smoothie needs.

That will never be me. When I grow up, I will have a true partner in life.

You can’t value what you don’t see.

Resentment grows out of perceived unfairness.

If I wanted to stop scorekeeping with Seth and have him 'own' some share of responsibility for all it takes to make our life happen, I had to stop sneaking around in the middle of the night, elfin-like, silently and magically making sh*t happen.

Lists alone don’t work; systems do.

What gets measured gets managed.

I had begun to create a comprehensive list that makes the invisible visible . . . and thereby, quantifiable.

If even a game sounds like more work than you have time for, relax—Fair Play is designed to be easy.

You deserve a partner who values you and the relationship enough to play with you.

The deck is stacked against us.

What is the value of an unencumbered mind?

Mental freedom, in the form of more room, more space, and the time to have singular focus should not be reserved for working men/fathers/husbands.

The costs of a constantly encumbered mind have women hitting the resentment ceiling.

If fathers did the same kind of work at home that mothers have always done, women’s careers could flourish in ways we haven’t yet imagined.

Ambition gap, my ass. What we’re dealing with is an exhaustion gap!

Individual change, in turn, creates demand for more social, political, and economic change.

It’s not actually motherhood or kids that derail women’s careers and personal ambitions—it’s men who refuse to do their fair share.

It's no longer a sh*tshow!

If we want our partners to feel empowered and capable of succeeding, rather than clueless or helpless until directed, we have to ditch the maternal gatekeeping control.

"Demanding time equality and time choice is a message the women’s movement missed, and it’s about time, pardon the pun, we have a cultural recognition that all time is created equal."

"If Seth regarded the 12 minutes it would have taken him to clean up our front lawn as more valuable than the same 12 minutes it took me, how could I ever expect him to take on more of the domestic workload?"

"The notion that men’s time is finite and women’s time is infinite must change if we ever want to achieve true liberation."

"Every domestic task takes time, and the minutes quickly add up."

"Our perception of men’s time as finite versus women’s time as infinite must change if we ever want to achieve true liberation."

"We all have only 24 hours in a day. Only when you believe that your time should be measured equally will the division of labor shift toward parity in your relationship."

"It’s not all on me. It’s on us. Our home and family are both of our responsibilities."

"Changing attitudes starts with the act of becoming conscious—developing awareness of how you think."

"I realized that how I’d spent those particular 12 minutes picking up the jacket and beer bottle was really irrelevant. I simply wanted both of us to value our time equally."

"Once you and your partner reframe how you value time and reimagine a more equitable relationship, a magical thing happens—you will succeed in rebalancing and reenergizing your relationship and your life in ways you haven’t felt in years."

"You see, more time and available space does not magically appear. In fact, it doesn’t f*cking exist—until you create it."

"nobody needs to give you permission to be interesting. It’s a choice you make."

"Being in a relationship with someone you love and who adores and supports you in return is meaningful and can be deeply satisfying. Caring for and raising a child is one of the more miraculous, gratifying, and fulfilling experiences in life, and especially in the early days when you’re responsible for keeping a tiny human alive."

"The thing we don’t feel permitted to do is often what has the depth to keep us interested and is also the very thing that makes us more interesting to our partners and nearly everyone else."

"Don’t let your passion be the perfection of your children. Because when you solely define yourself in relation to another, it’s not enough."

"If you, too, long for a forgotten version of your pre-parent self, or an evolved and even more interesting version waiting for permission to emerge, then enthusiastically embrace Fair Play’s Rule #2: Reclaim Your Right to Be Interesting."

"At some point after marriage and kids, did you listen to the voices that said, 'It’s not worth it for you to pursue your passions'? In doing so, did you give up your own permission to be interesting?"

"I had to learn the hard way: This is not another SAHM vs. working mom debate. We’ve all come too far (and worked too hard) to let in-fighting among women destroy us."

"Recognize that passion flows both ways. Women need their men to be interesting, too."

"You’re next."

The stakes are high.

You cannot get to where you want to go without first understanding: Who am I? Who am I really in a relationship with? And what is my specific intention for playing the game?

Only one person has to initiate change to proactively change the entire system.

Without one person initiating change, you’ll both stay stuck in the same old patterns.

No matter how many years you’ve been married or how firmly entrenched your marital patterns or dynamics are, there is always the possibility of change.

What if you allowed yourself to believe that the collaborative relationship and the life you want is entirely within reach?

Be the heroine of your own life, not the victim.

When both people completely own their sh*t, it’s not only more efficient, but there is far less nagging and a significant lift in the mental load.

What’s fair is not always equal and what’s equal is not always fair.

Instead of giving me the ‘I’m so disappointed’ or ‘I hate you’ stare, I’d rather my wife just ask me for what she needs.

I do not have to do it all.

What if everything isn’t important?

Save yourself from burnout and what the millennial generation has termed 'errand paralysis' by engaging in a process that systematically lightens your load.

You don’t have to play with a full deck of Fair Play cards.

Ditch the peer pressure and societal expectations, and instead make intentional choices about how you want to spend your time.

The Fair Play Minimum Standard of Care is inspired by something I learned in law school.

Recognize that you and your partner may currently have very different definitions of what’s reasonable and acceptable in and around your home.

Rather than debate whose standards are better or right, collaborate on what is reasonable within your own home.

It all comes down to trust.

Once you change the conversation by introducing a standard, you eliminate the need to argue over the garbage ever again.

Set yourself up for a win.

Fair Play consists of 100 task cards that break down the domestic ecosystem into five suits.

It takes a village, and you’re fortunate if your village includes an nanny, babysitter, family caregivers, or others who pitch in with the kids.

Not everything in these lists will apply to you and your family, but if you’re unclear on how to CPE a card, this is your resource.

If you have someone to help deep clean your bathroom and kitchen—lucky you.

Your responsibility is to manage the schedule, task list, payment, etc.

Re-deal this card often; it’s a biggie.

Your partner doesn’t get to criticize how you put the plates in the 'wrong' way.

If laundry tends to pile up and multiply in your home, it’s time to re-deal this card and come up with a new standard.

For some, a daily multivitamin, a good book, and a hot bath fit the bill.

All time is created equal.

You’re excited to reclaim or discover your Unicorn Space.

Consider these next seven days your trial run, and then assess how you feel.

Your willingness to engage her signals a mutual commitment from you.

Your joint participation and “two-player” approach is a solid start.

It’s time to kick off your first round of Fair Play.

Make a value declaration: All time is created equal. My time is as valuable as your time.

We don’t have to do it all.

The fewer the task cards, the more manageable each person’s workload.

Now that you’ve rebalanced the domestic workload, you can begin to play fair.

"Stay in it to win it."

"Within the rules of Fair Play, preserving fairness requires direct and open communication."

"Feedback is vital to progress."

"The weekly check-in is your opportunity to receive and exchange valuable feedback with your partner."

"Waiting to provide thoughtful feedback exemplifies more collaborative interactions over time."

"The question to ask yourself is: Do I want to continue to 'hold' this card or renegotiate who takes the lead?"

"Each partner should hold a fair share of Daily Grind cards, preferably one from each suit."

"Repair can only come when someone takes personal responsibility for their actions."

"Long-term trust rather than long-term resentment is the long-term goal."

"When the drudgery of taking out the kitty litter threatens to kill your mojo and derail your commitment to the system, remember the shared values and set of standards you and your partner have placed on each of your cards."

"Only one person is assigned to each of the cards in your deck, and the cardholder takes full responsibility for Conception, Planning, and Execution of the task at hand."

"If you want to invite your spouse to become a collaborator who is capable of succeeding, you must retire your habit of issuing RATs, the Random Assignments of Tasks."

"Whatever the case, you must be united on how all cards in your deck will be Executed before the train leaves the station."

"Consulting with stakeholders is always a part of Planning, especially when it affects other cards."

"Chaos isn’t fun. Disappointment and resentment aren’t either. Systemization allows for fun and fulfillment."

"Counting your cards or tallying your list in an effort to measure how much more you do in relation to your spouse encourages competition over collaboration."

"A system of punishment and revenge is not a system that creates closeness."

"When I ask what makes men and women most happy, many name simple pleasures such as 'quiet time for a book,' 'walking my dog on the beach,' and 'freshly cleaned teeth.'"

"Good news—assigning value to the cards often results in a lighter deck and less work for you and your partner."

"If you stop playing, you risk a slip backward, resuming your old patterns of inefficient communication."

The endgame here—what you’re really working for—is time and space to reclaim, or discover and nurture, the natural gifts and interests that make you uniquely you.

If you struggle with identifying that one magical thing that gives you mental relief and a natural lift, understand that whatever stokes you today will likely change over time and as you change.

Whatever provides you with a paycheck is presumably not your Unicorn Space.

When you pair passion with a “share with the world” mind-set, it becomes more meaningful, purposeful, and therefore even more fulfilling.

Eudaimonic well-being is linked with the best long-term health outcomes and inspires what you could also call ‘joy.’

If reclaiming time and space for the passions that fuel your greater sense of meaning and purpose aren’t a strong enough motivator to rebalance the domestic workload, consider new research linking meaning and purpose to positive health outcomes.

A dream written down with a date becomes a goal. A goal broken down into steps becomes a plan.

Signal seriousness by taking actionable steps forward, and then track how you’re leveling up in your Unicorn Space.

Ignoring your own passions can lead to a resentment that impacts your relationship.

You must negotiate the redistribution of a significant number of childcare and household tasks with your partner.