Best Quotes from I Love A Cop by Ellen Kirschman with Page Numbers

"How can you be commanding, ordering, and directing by day—hiding your emotions, hiding that you are afraid . . . and then open the door and say, ‘Hi, Honey. I’m home’?"

"Typically for a cop, he felt too ashamed of losing the fight to ask for help."

"Shift work makes planning for weekends, holidays, and social and school events difficult."

"Over the years, they have discovered many hidden benefits. They know shift work has allowed Randy to spend a lot more time with his kids than do many of his friends who work from 9:00 to 5:00."

"This is a trap for cops who are convinced that advancement is the only way to better provide for their families and make them proud."

"It will only alienate the person you most want to be close to."

"Learn problem-solving techniques so you can fix the problem, not the blame."

"Sleep deprivation takes its toll on work performance, even of the safety-conscious officer."

"It’s important to have some time alone rather than miss out on things that are important to you."

"What keeps them strong and resilient were flexible, were independent, had extended support systems, felt in control of their lives."

To function effectively in our job, you must annihilate, smother, and suppress normal emotions like fear, anger, revulsion, and even compassion.

We are . . . victims of our own success.

The same work habits that make a good cop can be hazardous to being a good mate and parent.

He had to recognize that hypervigilance, emotional control, a command presence, and a skeptical, if not outright suspicious, attitude toward others are professional habits to be left at work.

Finding their way out of this unhappy relationship to a more balanced partnership would require both their efforts.

Intimacy occurs between people who are able to reveal their most private thoughts and emotions to each other.

You have to lose control in order to gain it.

Feelings are the deepest part of us.

The failure to get compliance raises an officer’s anxiety because he or she has been trained from the start to believe that a noncompliant suspect constitutes a threat to officer safety.

Cops probably spend as much time controlling others as they do controlling themselves.

Looking forward may be the best insurance we have against being blind-sided by the unexpected.

Everyone will chart his or her course differently.

Candidates deserve to be proud of their persistence and abilities: Barely two out of 100 police applicants are successful in getting the job.

Without realizing it, the rookie officer is taking on a new identity as much as he or she is beginning a new career.

The early years following training are the most 'heady' and 'delicious' of an officer's career.

Your officer is carrying levels of responsibility and authority that probably exceed anything he or she has experienced before.

It is important for him to plan for the future and concentrate on getting to retirement safely.

This is a painful but lucky break to discover early on that a person doesn’t like or is unsuited to this career.

Love isn’t enough.

Most couples have to work at renewing their longtime relationship and finding things in common to fill their time.

The truth shall set you free, but first it will piss you off.

It is hard for police officers to properly serve the public when they believe themselves to be poorly supported by their agencies.

Organizational stress takes a toll on the health and well-being of all employees—line level, middle management, and administration.

Cops expect crooks to try to hurt them. But when they feel as if their own organizations are turning on them, it is like being stabbed in the back by a member of the family.

How best to provide that support is often not obvious.

It is impossible to perform work with such serious consequences and avoid doing something that someone thinks is wrong.

It is a normal human reflex to be defensive when attacked, and a disciplinary action almost always feels like an attack.

Taking action is an effective way to relieve stress. Unfortunately, many actions decided under stress are wrong and create more problems than they solve.

Words have enormous power to wound.

The law enforcement culture is so rigid and unforgiving that bad situations are made worse for want of an apology.

Work is, by its very nature, about violence—to the spirit as well as to the body.

The traumatic response is a normal response to an abnormal event.

What you resist persists.

Trauma provokes a powerful response from your autonomic nervous system.

Cumulative stress can damage one’s emotional and physical well-being.

There are no wrong ways to respond or formulas for reacting to trauma.

A traumatic event is an occurrence of such intensity and magnitude that it overwhelms a person’s normal ability to cope.

Officers functioned as adults at a young age and have a brittle, perhaps unrealistic need to establish financial or emotional security.

Resilient individuals are safeguarded by protective factors, some genetic, some learned.

When things get tough, they can count on themselves and their families to get past the rough spots.

Trauma has the power to deeply affect and change our lives, though not always for the worse.

The process of recovering from traumatic stress is the transformation from victim to survivor.

Working through trauma can make you stronger for having incorporated a powerful event into your everyday life.

Someone should have suggested that to Kirk, who returned home after being shot at... his reactions scared them stiff.

Feelings that get stifled never get processed.

The victim is immobilized and discouraged by the traumatic event... A survivor draws on the catastrophe as a source of strength.

Patience and a sustainable, comprehensive effort to address the physical, psychological, and social components of traumatic stress are required.

Trauma survivors have restored a realistic sense of competency and self-esteem and no longer feel helpless.

Human beings seem to be wired in such a way that we cannot rest until we can make sense of our experiences.

They recognize that suffering is part of the human condition and not their own personal trial.

No one can face trauma alone.

The love and compassion of family is a potent factor in helping someone heal after a traumatic incident.

What you can do is manage the consequences in order to minimize the impact on yourself and your family.

Traumatic stress may be damaging to the warmth and intimacy of family life and friendship.

Accept that trauma is in the eyes of the beholder. Even if you don’t think something is traumatic, accept that your loved one does.

Your willingness to hear the story out and tolerate the strong feelings is very supportive.

One of the most important things you can do as a family member or friend is to provide witness: to listen to your cop’s story without judgment.

It is unbearable to sit by and watch someone you love suffer with emotional or physical pain.

When one member of the family is in pain, all are in pain. Trauma is a family issue.

You and your buddy can provide each other with reciprocal support free from the need to keep a stiff upper lip.

We had all wanted the simplest thing, to love and be loved and be safe together, but we had lost it, and I didn’t know how to get it back.

Children are like litmus paper: They soak up tensions in their environment.

It is no use telling them everything is okay when it isn’t; that only sends the message that their own sense of reality is not to be trusted.

Helping your children talk about what they or the family did to feel better will help them feel less helpless and more optimistic.

It is crucial that your child can depend on you to tell the truth.

You may not find something good in every experience, but there is always something to learn.

Be reassuring, and be realistic.

Parents can help children manage their emotions by coaching them.

Help children accept their feelings as normal reactions to an abnormal event.

Try to stay on an even keel. Your children are likely to imitate the way the adults they know cope with trauma.

"He always apologized and promised never to hurt me again.

"If you are reading this because you or someone you know is being abused, your first obligation is safety."

"I didn’t want him arrested or fired, I just wanted him to stop hurting me."

"Domestic abuse remains a major problem, one that is greatly underreported and therefore almost certainly underestimated."

"Make no mistake about this: Domestic abuse is not about anger."

"You cannot truly attend to the emotional well-being of your children if your own psychological and physical security are compromised."

"Children need nurturing parents, and you cannot truly attend to the emotional well-being of your children if your own psychological and physical security are compromised."

"It is the abusers’ responsibility to control their own behavior and the victims’ burden to keep themselves and their children safe."

"Ask yourself this: Am I afraid of my mate? Is my mate afraid of me? If you answer yes, you should seek help."

"The suggestion that work stress contributes to domestic abuse is supported by several studies that found little evidence of domestic abuse among small rural or suburban agencies."

How can we get help to those officers who are alcoholics or problem drinkers, and how can we prevent others from following in their footsteps?

Alcoholism is a disease for which recovery is guaranteed if the alcoholic begins and sticks with a recovery program.

Using alcohol to deal with life’s problems will only compound your troubles.

Stepping back may actually be more productive than all the pleading, bargaining, threatening, or arguing you have tried in the past.

Recovery from alcoholism is a long-haul project with many ups and downs.

Pain can be managed and there are other ways to solve these problems beside suicide.

Hope is the awareness that one has options.

It is misleading to think that things will be perfect if and when the alcoholic stops drinking.

True healing requires addressing the problem directly, taking the alcoholic’s relationship with alcohol for what it is.

Intervention is the key to preventing suicide.

Millions of Americans who might benefit from psychotherapy never even give it a try... That's a shame.

You don’t have to be nuts to be in therapy. It’s enough to count yourself among the 'worried well.'

Common sense says you should go before you are sent or before your problems stack up so high you have a crisis on your hands.

It takes guts to face problems and humility to ask for help, especially for cops.

Seeking help when you need it is a sign of emotional health, not an indication that you are nuts or broken and need to be fixed.

Psychotherapy doesn’t come in a one-size-fits-all format.

Therapy is expensive, but so are four-wheelers, jet skis, big houses, cars, and all the electronic toys many cops seem to be able to afford.

Therapists may care more about confidentiality than cops do.

People enter therapy to change something. There are really only two things you can change, yourself and the furniture.

It may have been hard for them to get started, but they would now tell you that counseling or psychotherapy is an investment in yourself, your family, and your future.

Women make a unique contribution to law enforcement, and a preponderance of studies show that they do the job with the same effectiveness as men.

Culturally conditioned to be nurturers, women are uniquely suited to deal with quality-of-life issues and relationship building, which are the cornerstones of community policing.

Most minority officers want to be regarded not for their ethnicity but for their professionalism and their ability to be of service to anyone.

Being one of the few among many adds a unique element to the already significant strain of police work.

Competent women are stuck between a rock and a hard place that men rarely if ever visit.

It seems to make little difference whether the woman is lesbian or straight—she’s still damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t.

The ideal cop is an androgynous combination of psychologist, minister, diplomat, politician, doctor, parent, historian, stunt-car driver, and sleuth.

There are thousands of happy examples of friendship, loyalty, and genuine affection between cops of all races.

Women entering law enforcement today still have the opportunity to be groundbreakers and influence law enforcement, both tactically and politically.

Encourage connecting with mentors, role models, or peers—people who can provide guidance, sponsorship, and information.

Being a cop couple has lots of advantages.

They can help each other in practical ways—coaching for interviews, studying together for promotional tests, and planning for career decisions.

They decided never to work the same beat.

They consider it a small price for family unity.

You know better than most couples not to take things or each other for granted.

Scheduling is a big problem.

Both Mel and Joanne are family-friendly managers.

They helped each other avoid handling anxiety by making impulsive decisions.

They helped each other to deal with narrow-minded coworkers and to understand the male culture.

Having a variety of activities, hobbies, or subjects that intrigue you makes you more intriguing to each other.

I’ve always been good at it. Getting over things.

Benny was able to snatch his career back from the brink of disaster through a combination of his own endeavors and his chief’s willingness to give him a fair chance.

He wasn’t afraid to take a risk and make a change.

He understood he’s not 'God’s gift to law enforcement.'

It helps to have organizational support behind you.

His success lies in his resilience.

Can a person be sad and successful at the same time? Of course.

What is risky is rewarding; what is rewarding is risky.

Families must come first.

Cops in this book found an astonishingly wide range of tools to help themselves.