Best Quotes from The Bandit Queen Of India by Phoolan Devi with Page Numbers

"It was hard work. The dung stuck like honey to our hands."

"The colour of my village was red, like the soil."

"There was a secret in the belly of our mother."

"God is everywhere, Phoolan, not just in the jungle."

"I could climb trees better than other girls and I could run faster too!"

"I often watched her preparing the food, and always eating last."

"You think we bring children into the world just to be your slaves?"

"If a rich man can give orders, he can beat you and punish you, because he is a landowner."

"There was too much anger in me."

"The pain of hunger in the belly of the poor produces fear and submission."

"It's time you learned to talk, Phoolan."

"Why don't you ever say anything? You never laugh and you're shy of everyone."

"When he looked at me, it was always with tenderness."

"The letters that made up the words we spoke remained a mystery to me."

"Even the rat who stole our grain was cleverer than us."

"Work hard, and the harvest will be good. Work hard, and the harvest will be bountiful."

"I told Ram Dhakeli I wanted to leave our village, I said it was cursed for us."

"If anyone beat my father to death I'd break all the bones in his body!"

"But I loved my father and I couldn't bear to see him cry."

"I asked her to show me how to slay demons as she had done, and to give me a stick too, so I could fight back."

...the whole village could see that her belly had started to swell.

I promised my mother I wouldn't let myself get caught like that, and that I wouldn't let Choti out of my sight either.

The water quenched our thirsts, cleaned our bodies, and purified our spirits.

There was nothing else for us to do but rub ourselves with sand until we got it all off.

Now I know my little girl isn't going to die.

Even Amrna began to pray. 'God help my little Phoolan,' she sobbed.

My mother returned first. She saw a stream of blood flowing from the room where I was sleeping and gave a terrible shriek.

I silently begged mother Lakshmi to take pity on me.

The only good thing about those weeks of suffering was the little pot of milk I was given every evening.

I had to struggle to get back to the surface to find my sickle.

"The girl is a minor, she's only fourteen years old and her father wants to sell her! It's against the law."

"Rukmini was so happy that day. Uncle Bihari had already managed to put a stop to three marriages that had been arranged for her."

"When I grew up I would be a mason or a carpenter like my father, then I could work hard and earn lots of rupees and bring plenty of wheat home."

"We had had nothing but potatoes to eat for months. I had already decided that when I grew up I would be a mason or a carpenter like my father."

"Who knows? Perhaps he wants to give me some land."

"I was going to miss the fruits it made, yellow as the sun, that smelled of onion. The squirrels were going to have to find somewhere else to live."

"I could hardly see, blood ran in my eyes, but I held on tight."

"If the man is a widower, the dowry will be smaller, Chacha. That is a good arrangement."

"It was my fault, always my fault! I was a dirty brat who showed no respect, insulted everybody and caused only mischief."

"I ended up feeling as though I was suffocating with rage. I wanted to vomit."

I would have more strength to work.

Even my little sister was starting to get on my nerves.

I couldn't imagine what it meant to wait four years.

I was to be married, but it was only a ceremony to me.

I didn't care . . .

I was the dirty thief, the daughter of Devidin who was praying under the banyan for forgiveness.

It seemed as though half the village had gathered there.

I had won! The Panchayat had decided I wasn't the thief.

You can eat them. They come from our field!

Why did you giggle in front of the panches?

I was lonely and bewildered.

I had to take five different baths, each with different perfumes and oils.

I could see my feet again, ran to the field to relieve myself.

I wasn't sure. 'You'll see,' said one of them. 'Your life's going to change now that you're married.'

I had never been treated so nicely before.

In his white dhoti and freshly ironed kurta, Putti Lal had returned with his father to our house.

I burst into tears. 'Whose dulhan am I?' I asked, trembling.

I started to panic, but my mother said it was all right, it was the custom.

Don't cry, Amma! I'll be back.

I was Phoolan Devi and I belonged only to my father.

"I want to play outside! Why can't we play outside?"

"I begged him to spare me. I told him I wouldn't trouble him or eat his food any more."

"I began to scream, and to fight back."

"Her parents made a big mistake marrying her to you."

"Don't be afraid, we're not going to send you back to him."

"He had a serpent, what serpent?"

"It was the custom and that was the law."

"I would never be able to forget what he did."

"I was trembling. The stream of water from the pitcher made me shiver."

"I was afraid of him grabbing me by surprise when it was dark..."

I thought I would be protected by my husband, I thought he would be a second father.

I was alone, abandoned by God.

I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t hold back.

You are the father of her husband and when I gave her to you, you became her father too.

I must take her to the hospital. I beg you, please.

I was a human being - not a cow to be argued over by its owner.

Don't be afraid, Phoolan. It's over.

I wanted to forget them.

I swore to the goddess Durga who drank the blood of demons that he would pay for the pain he caused me.

I vowed that I would survive, and I would have my revenge.

"I let out a cry of relief! Bless the goddess! My mother had sent someone to rescue me!"

"Don't worry, said cousin Kallu. 'If he follows us I'll give him a good hiding!'"

"Your father should never have made you go. If you were my daughter, I wouldn't have married you to that man."

"She's my child,' she sobbed. 'I brought her into this world. Whoever harms her harms me too!"

"You're not taking her! You're not married to my daughter! I renounce the marriage!"

"Look, all of you, look! You're all witnesses! I'm giving him back this silver necklace, and this silver bracelet... Let him give it to another wife!"

"Since my mother had given him back his jewellery, I didn't have to go back to Putti Lal."

"If it's her death you want, I'm going to kill her with my own bare hands!"

"You brought us all this way for an infant! Look at her. How old is she? Ten, eleven maybe... It's illegal to take a bride under the age of eighteen."

"My ordeal was over at last."

'You have to win your case against Mayadin,' I told my father after we returned from the court.

'You're still too young to go with a man, believe me.'

A necklace was no prettier than a piece of rope that ties a goat to a tree, depriving it of freedom.

'Don't be afraid,' Bhabhi told me, trying to console me.

They told me I didn't have to go back.

'A girl ought to be married and should go to live with her in-laws before her periods started, so there would be no doubt about her chastity.'

I learned not to fear the dark any more.

'You let him insult you! You let him beat your wife and daughter!'

The only man who had ever been kind to me was my father.

I could no longer see the daylight; or I was at the bottom of a well, screaming for someone to save me.

'If I became the shame of the entire village, that's how it was going to be.'

'Go to hell! Leave us alone!'

'How can we lose, when we have nothing to lose?'

'We work hard and sweat blood for them, so they should pay us.'

'I had been through so much, I had been so often in the grip of terror, that I had nothing to fear from them.'

'I knew how to make sure we were paid.'

'Stand up straight,' she always told me. 'Be proud of yourself.'

'If somebody slaps you, slap them back; if someone throws a stone at you, throw one back; if someone beats you and you don't fight back, then I'll beat you.'

'I was discovering piece by painful piece how my world was put together: the power of men, the power of privileged castes, the power of might.'

'It wasn't a bad idea that came from a demon, but a good idea that came from Phoolan Devi, so that her family would have enough to eat.'

I could feel the sunshine warming the earth under my bare feet.

I was the one in the wrong!

I had only been trying to defend my mother, and I was only doing what she had always told me to do.

Where was the justice for us?

It would have been the first time anyone in our village did that.

I already knew what I was going to do. I had forgotten the pain, but the rage in my head hadn't subsided.

Retaliation had delivered me from my rage.

He deserved it.

The Pradhan treated us like we were insignificant, mere shadows in his powerful world.

Now he was spitting in her face.

Why are they always after me?

It's because of your . . . situation.

I had had enough of the rule that made women silent victims.

I want to die! Throw me into the well!

I want them to be punished. I want to kill them!

Nobody's going to help you! Nobody's going to do us any favours.

I knew I couldn't achieve what I wanted alone.

You cannot stay here. You have to return to your village.

I wasn't like other girls. I couldn't let myself be beaten and humiliated without even a whimper of protest.

I had just given them an excuse.

I had collapsed on the straw in their yard, sobbing with relief.

I held on to her and wouldn't let go, profoundly thankful to be given security, compassion and peace.

Keep the baby,' I said. 'Please, you'll manage!'

I began to see how hard life was for them. My sister had nothing.

Rukmini was relieved to be on the bus. She wasn't worried about the operation.

I had my hands full for eight days. I had to wash, wipe and feed the children, and rock the youngest one to sleep.

I had no idea what I was supposed to have done, but this false accusation was going to be the turning point of my life.

I had fled my village, my family and my community. That was my only crime.

I had already made up my mind to go back.

I chuckled nervously in the cold.

I was the one who was helping him now, and Mayadin didn't like to see me going to court with my father and working with him.

The humiliation I had been forced to endure... was about to happen again.

Don't let them take you, Phoolan. Don't let them take you anywhere else except this lock-up.

I wanted to die. That was all.

I could hear my teeth chattering, but some- thing prevented me from crying.

The horror and humiliation had left me with just one thought in my head... I wanted to die.

I have proof that this girl was elsewhere at the time of the alleged crime.

The police changed their attitude when they saw this piece of paper.

I resolved to hang on to this force that was a gift of Durga.

Even as I wished I was dead, I knew I would survive.

"I almost laughed when I was shown the evidence of my crime: a piece of clothing that looked like an old towel, and some bangles and anklets. That was my booty."

"When I saw the huge iron bolts on the gates, I shuddered, dreading what they were going to do to me next."

"Even for uneducated people like us, the court was a familiar place. But I didn't know until then that the judge also dealt with dacoits."

"This young girl seems disturbed to me. She needs something to calm her nerves."

"I was going to need my strength to work. I would have to clean the latrines and repair the walls where the mud had fallen off."

"Your lawyer will appeal and you'll have to wait for the judge to decide. Be patient. It takes time."

"I had been locked up for three days in the police station and that I was beaten and tortured in there."

"Tell me the truth, Phoolan. Were you beaten? How long were you held at the police station?"

"It seemed that words on paper and reality were not the same thing."

"Compared to them, I was like an animal, startled and terrified, like all the poor people of my caste."

His eyes filled with tears when he saw me return... he seemed to know I had suffered.

Nobody had taken care of him, and now he was so weak that all I could do was rest my cheek against the rough hairs of his neck and cry too.

I had become a pariah.

They want me to go, to disappear from the village forever. Send me away, Amma, or I'm going to throw myself in the well!

I knew I wasn't going to jump in the well this time.

I wasn't mad. I had nothing left to lose.

There was no more humiliation they could threaten me with. I threatened them instead.

All it took was courage, and the threat of violence.

I realized it was not just our poverty that made us victims, it was being born in a lowly caste.

Nothing they could do to me now could be any more terrible than what had happened already.

Fear made my mouth dry, but the only thing to drink was rainwater.

My instincts had been sharpened from always being on the lookout.

The sound of the rain falling steadily on the straw roof helped me forget my dark broodings.

You are Phoolan?' He must have been expecting someone bigger.

The fear of death was a strange sensation. It was a fear I felt in my throat.

I was certain they were going to kill me. Any second now, I would be dead.

Whatever the reason, it was the first time a man had ever tried to defend me.

I hated men, but all I wanted was to be like them, to have their power and their freedom.

Please, my brother, let me go now. I beg you.

I am Vickram, the mallah. Remember my name, and don't forget my face.

I wanted to get away from them, or stay there with those poor women, and die with them if I must.

I didn't know why he wanted to involve me. I didn't want to become a dacoit.

Are you crazy?' Vickram shouted. 'Why did you fire at her?'

Two arms hooked under mine and carried me back in front of Baboo. 'Do you still want to run away?'

Even if I survive, my life is ruined.

Death had brushed close by me, leaving a repulsive smell of blood and burnt flesh in my nostrils.

I prayed to Durga to whisper in my ear when the moment was right to flee.

What is he doing, Phoopha?' I asked Bare Lal. I was still trembling, and addressed him as uncle out of respectful fear.'He's writing that Baboo was killed in the name of Phoolan Devi. It's the rule.

I turned to Bare Lal. 'Phoopha,' I said. 'I'm hungry!'

He was the first man who had ever been to defend me.

"I exulted in a new and powerful emotion, the satisfaction of dealing out justice."

"With us, nothing like that will ever happen again."

"Don't cry. Why are you crying? I'm not going to hurt you."

"Keep her, Mastana! Give her lots of love, so she forgets all the rest!"

"Forget the past. Tell me about your in-laws. Who were they? Which village?"

"If I say something and you listen to me and do it, everything will be fine."

"It was sweetly painful to be able to talk without shame or fear to this man I hardly knew."

"I had never talked to anyone like that before, for such a long time."

"Why do men misbehave like that?"

"I married you for life, and you're lucky to be married!"

Did I want to go home? No.

Did I believe in God again? Yes.

Did I have hope for life? Yes.

I had been wed twice, and survived more pain than any of the other women of my family.

The world was still full of menace for me, and I made my way in it as best I could, taking each new step in terror.

God had not abandoned me! I wasn't alone in the world.

He was looking after me. I prayed for a long time.

I had never before felt such release. I had it for myself!

I would crush them! Otherwise there was no justice for girls like me.

Never think about tomorrow, Phoolan. Just say to yourself that today you are alive.

'Come on, you can do it!'

But I was proud of myself.

If you were thirsty, all you had to do was stretch out your hand to pluck a delicious wild fig.

I was learning not to fear his approaches. Slowly, I was learning to trust this man.

I was free as a bird, but I was beginning to miss my family.

But if you really want it, I'll make her give herself up!

To let them live would be to allow them to ruin the lives of other girls.

I had been delivered from the fear of firing at a man, delivered from the hesitation.

I had the means of justice in my hands, and all I had to do was plant my feet squarely, close my eyes and squeeze the trigger to be rid of a demon.

What they called a crime, I called justice.

They had come to get down on their knees and ask for the benediction of Phoolan Devi!

I looked at all of them... They had come to get down on their knees and ask for the benediction of Phoolan Devi!

Where were they when I came out of prison? Where were they when you begged them to lend you money for my bail?

You must forgive them, Phoolan. If you have any pity left, you must forgive them.

I had been subjected to terrible atrocities, but he had had nothing to do with these injustices.

They respect you now. They never respected you before.

For the very first time in his poor mallah's life, the entire village was paying tribute to him.

As long as I have a megaphone to shout through at them and a rifle to scare them, they will sing my praises.

Not all victories could be won with rifle shots.

It was intoxicating to hear the mob shouting 'Long live Phoolan!' But it was deflating to know they were only cheering because they were cowards.

'If I really was a goddess, like the people of my village had said, I would have transformed the garland of flowers around his neck into a rope, or a snake, right there and then.'

'You are my wife . I want you to keep the jewellery I gave you.'

'Don't cry, Phoolan. Don't cry. I'm doing fine. It doesn't hurt any more. The pain is gone.'

'I cursed the gods, shaking my head in a rage and frustration as I knelt beside the only man who had given me love.'

'I loved him too, like a brother, a father, a leader. He was part of me, part of my soul and part of my being. He couldn't die, because if he died, I would die.'

'Don't let him stay here, Vickram. He was undressing me with his eyes!'

'I was the only woman and there was nobody I could talk to about my problems.'

'My instincts told me not to trust Shri Ram. Because of what he had said, I decided I would rather die than have to touch his feet.'

'You listen too much to her. She's made you lose your head. You have no more respect for me because of her, so go on, kill me if that's what you want!'

'The men wouldn’t stop squabbling. If a thakur decided something, the mallahs were against it. If Shri Ram's men wanted to do one thing, Vickram's men wanted to do something else.'

'If we all had the same rights, Phoolan, Madhav and I would never have become dacoits.'

'I have ruined your life,' he said. I told him it wasn't true, he had saved it.

'Your hands, Phoolan . . . I love the touch of your hands. Whenever you touch me the pain disappears. It's true. You are a goddess. It's thanks to you I'm still alive. Stay with me . . . '

'Oh what a good idea!' laughed Bare Lal when he saw it. 'You managed to get all that money without firing a single shot! They came here and gave it to us with smiles!'

To see Mayadin, the hypocrite, throw himself at my feet again and pray for Vickram's recovery made my stomach turn.

I was afraid, but I knew that fear could be my weapon too.

Without us asking the poor people of Gorha brought us contributions of a hundred rupees or two hundred rupees each.

'I owe you my life, Phoolan.'

I was also bringing bitter news for Vickram.

I understood why they chose to live there, surrounded by the clear white peaks. The air was fresh and the lush green valleys, with the sun shining, there was a feeling of peace and beauty.

To be born a woman, I knew, was to be born powerless, to be unable to exist alone.

Without a husband, she would be singled out, and without a family she would be considered a prostitute.

A wife had to be faithful to her husband until she died.

My mother was happy to see me again but asked why the two of us didn't just surrender, before we were killed.

'I've ruined your life. I have done something bad.'

What kind of woman are you?' 'Oh, Bahanji, you are different. I can't live without a man. That's how I am.'

If I had known then what a demon this woman was, I would have crushed her like a rat.

You behave like a prostitute, Kusuma. You chose Raghu Nath, you tried Vickram but he didn't want you.

If that's so let's leave today, right now.

I should have killed him that night. I should have done it alone, without any help.

'You can say what you like, I'm keeping her.'

'No, no,' I said. 'It's nothing. I can't see anything . . .'

'Kill me instead!'

'She will die soon if you don't give her some water.'

'Drink and take this. You will need it.'

'Do to them what they did to you, Phoolan Devi. Durga will give you the force you need to avenge yourself!'

'Help me, Kali! Kill them! Kill Shri Ram! I'll do whatever you want, for the rest of my life, but kill him for me!'

'I implored Kusuma to help me. I couldn't see her but I could hear her voice, as dry as a crow.'

'You piece of shit! Mallah bitch! You thought you could bully us around and give us orders. You understand now who you belong to?'

'By a miracle, I had escaped the bloodlust of Shri Ram, and I vowed that if I survived, Vickram's vengeance would also be mine.'

What was the point in hiding? Even if we managed to get away from there, we would still have to hide from the police on one hand and Shri Ram and his gang of thakurs on the other.

I was so thirsty I wanted someone to tell me why I shouldn't just go back down to the burned village and give myself up to the police.

The faint hope that Vickram wasn't dead, only wounded and hiding somewhere in the jungle, was receding with each passing hour.

I had been followed by snakes - but I wasn't in the habit of speaking to them like that.

I told him all about my sufferings; about Shri Ram and the nightmare I had just been through.

One minute my throat was dry, the next minute my thirst had vanished.

I closed my eyes and prayed to the snake: Whoever you are, stay by me, be my golden eyes, show me the way and I will obey you.

The soft, fresh water, flowing over my swollen body gave me hope; my strength returned, and with it my will to survive.

I was eighteen years old and I bore the scars of tortures inflicted on me by men who were not men but beasts and dogs.

I had survived the evil of men, and I had nothing more to lose. I was stronger than ever.

Survival wasn't something you learned. Everyone must fulfil their destiny and I had begun to believe that it was my destiny to survive.

I was going to cut him into pieces, one piece today and another the next day, so he would be able to watch me throwing him, slowly, slowly, limb by limb, to the dogs.

I understood that to be able to assert your will, independence was essential.

I don’t consider myself a woman any longer. I don’t want anybody’s protection, nor their help. I want to control everything myself.

If there are men here who want to follow me, let them say so, but I will decide if I will take them or not.

Swear never to look upon Phoolan Devi as a woman. Swear to think of her as your own brother.

I was sure that someone was protecting me, a spirit that hungered for vengeance like mine.

I needed to make them suffer what I had been made to suffer.

In the villages where there was no justice other than the lathi, I dealt out justice.

Phoolan Devi is good and kind! Long live Phoolan Devi!

The sun doesn't die. Each morning it gets up again for you.

We could keep our shoes on in front of anyone and we could drink water from the well like everyone else.

We all had the same dignity before God.

I thought I would never know where it ended.

The world is round, Phoolan. The countries of the world and the seas are all on a gigantic ball!

I had begun to glimpse how large my country was.

I forgot that Vickram was dead and I was still alive.

He was a good leader, kind and fair.

The last thing he taught me, as he died at my side, was never, never to trust anybody again.

You can't kill a sleeping man . . .

'Don't trust anybody, that was what Vickram had said, not even your own men. Especially not your own men.'

'My only true friend, the only person I could really trust, was my Sten automatic rifle.'

'Do you know Phoolan Devi? Yes I have heard of her.'

'I gave him fifty thousand rupees, an enormous sum of money for a shepherd.'

'Take this.' I gave them five hundred rupees each. 'Buy a bigha of land and don't ever come back to feed your family by stealing their goats.'

'I liked to have that power.'

'It wasn't riches they clutched in their hands, it was relief, the relief of being able to fill their bellies, to buy grain for the winter and wood for the fire.'

'Without money, women were forced to suffer hunger and humiliation, and even sell their bodies like sacks of flour.'

'This rajah dog slept on a bed covered in velvet while I slept on hard earth.'

'I had wanted to prove to the rajah that we could come into his beautiful palace if we liked, and I had done it.'

'The death of Baba Mustakim was like losing a father for us.'

'We had been isolated these last months, and we needed money.'

'If you go near the police, Man Singh, I will shoot you down myself!'

'I was going insane. 'I've had enough!' I said to Man Singh.'

'You must get away from here. They have killed many people in the village already and they destroyed all the homes.'

'It was almost as if they were scared to come face-to-face with us.'

'The essential thing was to stay together in case it came to a showdown.'

'You dare to celebrate my death! After all the help I have given you jatavs!'

'Alive or dead, I realised we had become legends for them.'

'But the bad things done by the poor were all anyone ever talked about, not the bad things done to them.'

I could never let two men go together to a village for example.

But nobody ever threatened my authority, not because they were afraid, but because they trusted me.

I waited until they had reached safety, exactly as Vickram used to.

Food became an everyday problem.

I had to move through the night, the way we had always done, and sleep during the day.

The presence of animals comforted me.

I knew which one pecked at the bark of trees and which one caught fish from the river with his long beak.

The jungle was never quiet, except when danger approached.

I taunted the police, sending them messages saying that I was going to ruin their lives and haunt their dreams.

I was the one who could hold her head up with honour, not him.

"Let them come! We have enough arms and ammunition to fight them; I'm not afraid of dying!"

"Don't trust anything or anybody . . ."

"I had learned to read and write. He wasn’t a savage like me. And he loved me."

"If you want to give yourself up to the authorities in Madhya Pradesh, it might be possible."

"You have been talking to a policeman and I don't know what he's told you but if you want to surrender, that's your business."

"Your men don't have any woollens, Ghanshyam. You're not looking after them."

"I knew nothing about politics, governments or states. All I knew was what I felt in my bones."

"I told Chaturvedi that I would have liked to meet Indira Gandhi. That would not be possible."

"If my enemy comes to speak to me like this, I wouldn't hurt him even if he was the most abominable of men."

"If I was going to have to quit the jungle so that my family could live in peace, I might as well not get killed if I could help it."

Being a bandit meant taking from the rich and giving to the poor, punishing the rapist and chastising the cruel landowner to make them understand that women and the poor had their dignity too.

I wanted to be Phoolan Devi, the dacoit, for a little while longer, and ask them, 'What's wrong? Who beat you? Who raped you? Is the Sarpanch of this village a fair man? Can I trust this rich man who wants to pay tribute to me?

As long as I was still free, I could go to the villages and talk to people.

They wanted to see me; everybody, from the shepherds to the rich, wanted to see me.

I realized what surrender really meant.

I became a spirit searching for vengeance, with nothing left to lose, because I too had died with him.

Who were they that I should respect them? I was used to people paying their respects to me.

Why do you want my photo? If you want my photo, wait until I'm dead.

Without a rifle in my hands, I felt uneasy.

But I couldn't answer them all. There were too many of them shouting and their questions were making my head spin.

Don't be afraid, my child. Look for peace and you will find it.

You will get used to it. You mustn't fight with others. Be good and kind. You will find peace.

I wasn't there just to entertain people.

I would shut myself in a corner of the hall and the guards would come and plead with me to show myself.

The jungle was behind me, far away. The freedom and excitement of being a dacoit, going from village to village making the law, was behind me.

I had to learn to get by in prison.

I alone knew what I had suffered. I alone knew what it felt like to be alive but dead.

Marriage was forbidden for me.

I was no longer a woman. A stone couldn't marry a man when it was a man who had made the stone.

Look around you, it's diseased and filthy. Look at this food.

I learned how to survive in their world.

I continued to rebel and fight.

I was no longer the same person.

I was no longer the frightened child who believed the world ended where the fields ended.

There was no more vengeance in my heart.

It's against the law in India for you to be imprisoned for so long without a trial.

Time didn't frighten me in the least.

I was to find out for myself that she had authority, but used it fairly.

I had to wait in silence.

I became the lightning for others.